The calmer you are, the more you’ll be able to handle a difficult family member who is trying to get you worked up. If you can’t stay calm, it might be time to leave the situation. Step outside or into the other room to gather your thoughts and collect yourself.
Although it can feel tough to hold your ground with family (especially with relatives who are older than you), it’s a super important aspect of feeling like your voice is being heard. Try saying something like, “I’m only here to talk about Grandpa’s will, and I don’t want to discuss anything else right now. If you have any questions, please wait until I’m done talking. ”
You could also say something like, “I want to have a conversation with you, but I can’t do that if you keep talking to me like that. ” Other boundaries you might want to set include a timeframe for communication (“Only call me during the daytime, not at night when I’m trying to sleep”) or how long you’re going to stay in town for (“I only took 1 week off of work, and I can’t stay any longer”).
If one of your relatives keeps pushing to talk about something you’re uncomfortable with, try saying, “That’s not what I’m here to talk about today,” and move on.
For instance, your family member might try to debate you about politics. If you two have opposing views, it’s probably not worth getting into. Let them feel like they’re right so you can move onto more productive topics of conversation. Say something like, “Okay, I hear what you’re saying. I don’t want to debate with you right now. Let’s move on. ”
For instance, if a family member insults you, you don’t have to react by yelling at them. Instead, you can stay calm and simply change the subject or leave the situation all together. Or, if a family member tries to invade your privacy, you can react by setting clear boundaries. Don’t give in just because it might be easier or because you want to placate someone.
Oftentimes, a person is a collection of their childhood trauma. Try to look at it that way—your family member isn’t being nasty because there’s something wrong with your life, they’re being nasty because there is (or was) something wrong with theirs.
Try to remember the term “radical acceptance. ” It’s accepting something that you know you can’t change, even though you don’t like it or agree with it.
If you feel guilty about taking care of your own needs, try saying “It’s not selfish to take care of myself. ” It can also help to talk to someone supportive, like a trusted family member, a minister, or a therapist. [12] X Expert Source Lauren Urban, LCSWLicensed Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.
